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Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose. .... Tom Krause I love feeling like this .... -
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." .... William Blake I've been in deep conversations with mysel... -
"As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma." .... Sri Guru Granth Sahib My sister is a bitch. There... -
"We don't have an eternity to realize our dreams, only the time we are here." .... Susan Taylor Once upon a time, a million y... -
"No one lies so boldly as the man who is indignant." .... Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche Today was another of those days where you ... -
There are times when just sitting quietly, listening to the sound of the waves gently caressing the shore is as close to serenity as you can... -
“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One ... -
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. .... Phyllis Diller Phew! October is over. Breast Cancer awareness month. I really don’t want to... -
“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” .... Albert Einstein October 20th, people everywhere we... -
"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all ...
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Showing posts with label stand up to cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stand up to cancer. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Look at Me Glow ...
3:02 PM | 
Posted by
~Visions~ |
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
.... Tom Krause
I love feeling like this ... fatigued, nauseous, and non-productive.
It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve wanted to post. Honestly ... I have.
However it’s been hectic and just a little stressful. I took part in this amazing experience called NaNoWriMo. I’d tried last year, but fell short of the goal. This year, I decided to put my heart into it and succeeded. Yay me! I’ve got a manuscript ready for polish that I hope to start shopping around come the new year. One hurdle overcome.
I also just started a course of radiation in the hopes of shrinking one of the tumours at the base of my spine and a couple more small ones in my right hip. That had me in a bit of a funk. But then doctors do that to me.
I just came back after getting the 2nd dose ... 10 doses over 10 days ... and strangely, I’m finding the pain and stiffness already diminishing. Hurray! It’ll be wonderful to be able to walk again like a real person, instead of just limping along. That’s the hope.
I’ve been told I probably shouldn’t do anything like ride a bike or cross-country ski for fear of fracturing the hip, and I’ll be good.... for now .... But I’m determined to rebuild the bone to be better and stronger. Shades of bionic ... lol
Anyways ... loving the steroid pills I have to take for the nausea ... NOT! It didn’t help yesterday. Was violently ill. One of my favourite pastimes is hanging my head over the porcelain throne. Let’s hope today goes a little better. I don’t have time to be sick. I’m a volunteer photographer for the help-portrait event this Saturday and that’s so important to me. Not to mention, working on my novel, checking in with clients ... well you get the point.
In the shower today ... where I do a lot of my serious thinking, I realized how much I miss my middle daughter. But in reality, I don’t know that I’ll be making the effort anytime soon to talk to her. This is not the first time she’s abandoned me in a time of crisis.
I’ve been hitting my head against the wall, trying to figure out where I failed as a mother. Was it because I got sick? I never thought it was in the plans. I never thought I’d get cancer. I never thought I’d have to stare my own mortality in the face on a daily basis. I try not to cry, because well ... it really doesn’t fix things. However it is a release and I’ll take that as I can.
I also have to remember she’s still a baby ... only 22. And at 22 life hasn’t handed her enough heartaches to really understand the word compassion ... I did my best to shield her from as much of life’s nastiness as I could. Maybe that was the problem. I never gave her the opportunity to be accountable for her actions.
What is saddest of all, is that though I’ve longed for grandbabies, I don’t know that I could trust myself to get involved should she be lucky enough to have kids ... yes ... I think that far ahead. I’m a writer, don’t ya know ... we plot and plan and theorize and focus ... and we forever dream. But sometimes these dreams turn to nightmares where I love my grandbabies with total abandon only to have her pull them away from me. Don’t think I can go through that kind of loss again. It hurts enough when she pulled herself away.
Ahh to see the world in black and white again. Except that as you get older ... you begin to see the gray ... oh so much gray. Perhaps that’s the lesson she’ll have to learn.
As for me, I take it one day at a time. One hour, if things get really harried. But always I have hope ... and always I believe that everything is for a reason.
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Sunday, November 7, 2010
Kick it to the Curb!
.... Phyllis Diller
Phew! October is over. Breast Cancer awareness month. I really don’t want to made aware. I am more aware than I ever wanted to be. But just when I thought I could forget about the *C* word ... November comes along. More cancer awareness.
Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate the attention we’re giving to this dreadful DIS-ease. But I want to know more than just about the treatments. I want a cure. I want to know WHAT causes it. I want it stopped. I don’t just want to be aware.
This is not something where you can just get it, and then be free. It changes your life. It changes everything. Forever.
I don’t have the luxury of looking forward to retirement in peace. I hope I get there. But my concerns are whether I’ll make it to this spring. Or to see my son graduate high school. Or to hold my first grandbaby. I sometimes feel like the little engine that could ... I think I can ... I think I can ... I think I can!
And it doesn’t just affect me. It affects everyone. My son doesn’t remember a time when I was just ME. I used to be so active and strong and full of pep. Since he’s been six, he’s seen me bald and crying and hurting. My girls? Well, they’ve had to watch this too and wonder ... will they get the same sentence?
I saw a news report the other day where someone was marketing a t-shirt that said F*ck Cancer. Well that’s what I say. Give it the finger. It doesn’t belong to me. I don’t want the ‘gift’!! I’m returning it.
Thanks for all the awareness, but now we need to do more than just stand up and fight. We need to kick cancer to the curb!
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Jumbled Mess ...
.... Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Today was another of those days where you have to wonder what makes people tick. Why the need for hurtful lies and sneaking around at the expense of someone else.
Each day I get up, wondering, hoping I'll make it another three years to see my youngest son graduate high school. I go through these treatments and face the fears, all the while looking for the light that keeps me moving forward. But just when I think I've reached a time of respite,another boomerang comes and clips me.
I was sick this summer ... very sick. My birthday I spent in bed, unable to lift my head off the pillow. I didn't really notice, though as the next couple of months were not much better. At times, I felt like giving up, as I found myself with no support. My son's dad, in his bid to eak out more money from the system, took my son to live with him, under the guise that it would be best not to see me so ill. I felt I'd lost my baby ... for two months he rarely called and I never saw him. I was just too sick to focus, but a hug, from time to time, would have been needed.
Today, was a bit of a scary day. I get that way whenever I'm about to 'test' out a new drug. The good thing is that I should be able to get my hair back, but it's not without it's potential reactions.
However, just before going to the hospital, I received some news that devastated me financially and emotionally ... I'm now being told I'm no longer MY child's primary caregiver. What the $%#^? I thought his father was my friend, heck I'd supported him many times. But he decided to go behind my back and now I just have to take up the fight. There's more I could say. But right now I'm still too angry and I could say something I may regret. My hope is that, one day, my son sees his father for the man he truly is ... but that day is not TOday ....
I was sick this summer ... very sick. My birthday I spent in bed, unable to lift my head off the pillow. I didn't really notice, though as the next couple of months were not much better. At times, I felt like giving up, as I found myself with no support. My son's dad, in his bid to eak out more money from the system, took my son to live with him, under the guise that it would be best not to see me so ill. I felt I'd lost my baby ... for two months he rarely called and I never saw him. I was just too sick to focus, but a hug, from time to time, would have been needed.
Today, was a bit of a scary day. I get that way whenever I'm about to 'test' out a new drug. The good thing is that I should be able to get my hair back, but it's not without it's potential reactions.
However, just before going to the hospital, I received some news that devastated me financially and emotionally ... I'm now being told I'm no longer MY child's primary caregiver. What the $%#^? I thought his father was my friend, heck I'd supported him many times. But he decided to go behind my back and now I just have to take up the fight. There's more I could say. But right now I'm still too angry and I could say something I may regret. My hope is that, one day, my son sees his father for the man he truly is ... but that day is not TOday ....
Monday, September 27, 2010
I Lift my Eyes ...
.... Author Unknown
Time seems to go by so quickly; sometimes I turn around and everything has changed. Yesterday's toddlers now tower over me and I've yet to understand how that happened.
All I've ever been ... all I've ever known ... is being a mom. Sure I've had my work: careers even. But as an artist, I know my greatest masterpieces are my kids. That's what has made this disease so difficult to bear. Would I be there for them when they needed me? Would I get to see them grow up?
Yes, cancer CAN be lived with ... even beaten. I've managed to stay ahead of it for nine years, but it's not been without a price. I can't tell you how many notes to my kids I've jotted down during times when fear overtook. Little snippets that would help them remember me and what I wanted for them, should I not get through a particularly rough patch.
I remember sitting down, notebook in hand, just before the very first chemo session. I furiously scratched out a will and gave it to my then partner, in case something went wrong. He likely thought I was crazy, but it made me feel better knowing that who got what family heirlooms was decided. I'd already written each of my three kids a note days before and told him where they were so he could pass them on. I still have them somewhere ... in a safe place ... along with the dozens of other ones I've written over the years.
But as with anything ... there is a purpose. Nothing is by accident. I don't take time for granted anymore. At least I try not to.I've learned to appreciate each day that dawns, each birthday I make it to ... every holiday I get to cook and clean for ... all the while still grumbling and complaining about the ache here, or the scars there.
I can't turn back time. I can't make my three, wonderful kids small again. But I can appreciate the sunlight on my face as I watch them become all that they can be. As long as I'm still breathing ... it's a good day!
See more beautiful pictures at Today's Flowers and
Friday, September 10, 2010
Stand Up ... Believe ... Hope!!
.... Charles Dickens
I have not posted for quite some time. I've been busy trying to get well again. I have cancer. I have been living with this disease for over nine years now. Most of the time, I am okay, but the beast is always lurking. After watching Stand Up For Cancer, I thought I would begin sharing my journey.
Through all the trials and tribulations, I have had some key people by my side. However, like a very good friend and mentor once told me, it's amazing to watch who will support you and who will simply walk away. People you thought would never let you down are the very ones that deal the worst blow. Yet there have been wonderful people who have come into my life that have made all the difference. To them my gratitude is endless.
I thought I'd start by posting a piece I designed when I first was diagnosed. I donated one of these prints to the chemo room where I've spent many long hours. My hope is that it inspires others to believe and hope!
I am a mother, a friend, a writer, an artist ... a survivor. Please, take a moment to help someone find the hope they need to beat this disease. Together, we can ALL Stand Up To Cancer!
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