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Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose. .... Tom Krause I love feeling like this .... -
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"As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma." .... Sri Guru Granth Sahib My sister is a bitch. There... -
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Showing posts with label watery wednesday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label watery wednesday. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Searching for Truth ...
1:57 PM | 
Posted by
~Visions~ |
.... Sri Guru Granth Sahib
My sister is a bitch.
There. I’ve said it. It feels great to finally find that release in being honest. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bow my head in shame thinking it’s me that is at fault.
To carry on the theme of Thanksgiving, I’m grateful that I can finally call my sister out for the obnoxious person that she is. She is a despicable human being who has stooped to levels I didn’t know existed to make my life a living hell. I’ve wrestled with writing this post for a long time. How much should I say? What should I hold back? However, if this is about my healing, then I need to be truthful in all aspects.
Time and again I’ve tried to voice how I felt, but between my sister and my mother (two peas in the same pod) I was constantly told how I was deluded. I must have imagined it all. However, after years of therapy, I was led to the conclusion that they both suffer from altered reality. My sister is a cross addict, a recovering anorexic and a nymphomaniac ... a rather bad combination. My mother ... well she has her own issues, to be discussed later.
Thankfully, over the years, I’ve had witnesses to my ‘imaginary’ trials. Real, live people without whom I’d have truly gone insane.
Had my sister even apologized for the heinous things she’s done, perhaps I could have forgiven her. But not once, has she ever acknowledged any of her transgressions. I won’t get into those now, but bit by bit, I’ll deal with them here. This way, perhaps, I can finally let go the past and the pain that haunts me.
For years, I tried to help her find what she needed. I was there to comfort her over her numerous breakups. I helped her get into rehab when she’d hit her bottom. I refused to enable her habits when everyone else turned a blind eye. But rather than be grateful, she tried her best to destroy every happiness I had.
She’s run the gamut from making passes at my boyfriends and husbands, to taking me to court on criminal charges based on nothing but lies, to trying to convince my kids that I abused them. She even abandoned me when I was diagnosed with cancer, never even enquiring how the surgeries had gone. Why? I have no idea. Except for the fact that she’s mentally unstable.
Why am I telling you all this? Because after years of her abuse and lies, after being so ill this summer I thought I would die, she wanted to come up to ‘help’ me. Again, like a fool I believed she had changed and finally wanted to make amends. Although in retrospect, I’m not sure she wanted anything more than a free vacation. Less than a week after she arrived, refusing to spend any time with me, she craftily orchestrated an argument, so she could leave and go to my youngest daughter. She, along with my mother as her trusty sidekick, did their best to convince her that it was all my fault. This has now driven a wedge between my daughter and I that may take a very long time to heal.
It’ll be interesting to see the kind of karma my sister ends up having to pay back. What goes around always comes around.
And sometimes payback’s a bitch too.
There. I’ve said it. It feels great to finally find that release in being honest. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bow my head in shame thinking it’s me that is at fault.
To carry on the theme of Thanksgiving, I’m grateful that I can finally call my sister out for the obnoxious person that she is. She is a despicable human being who has stooped to levels I didn’t know existed to make my life a living hell. I’ve wrestled with writing this post for a long time. How much should I say? What should I hold back? However, if this is about my healing, then I need to be truthful in all aspects.
Time and again I’ve tried to voice how I felt, but between my sister and my mother (two peas in the same pod) I was constantly told how I was deluded. I must have imagined it all. However, after years of therapy, I was led to the conclusion that they both suffer from altered reality. My sister is a cross addict, a recovering anorexic and a nymphomaniac ... a rather bad combination. My mother ... well she has her own issues, to be discussed later.
Thankfully, over the years, I’ve had witnesses to my ‘imaginary’ trials. Real, live people without whom I’d have truly gone insane.
Had my sister even apologized for the heinous things she’s done, perhaps I could have forgiven her. But not once, has she ever acknowledged any of her transgressions. I won’t get into those now, but bit by bit, I’ll deal with them here. This way, perhaps, I can finally let go the past and the pain that haunts me.
For years, I tried to help her find what she needed. I was there to comfort her over her numerous breakups. I helped her get into rehab when she’d hit her bottom. I refused to enable her habits when everyone else turned a blind eye. But rather than be grateful, she tried her best to destroy every happiness I had.
She’s run the gamut from making passes at my boyfriends and husbands, to taking me to court on criminal charges based on nothing but lies, to trying to convince my kids that I abused them. She even abandoned me when I was diagnosed with cancer, never even enquiring how the surgeries had gone. Why? I have no idea. Except for the fact that she’s mentally unstable.
Why am I telling you all this? Because after years of her abuse and lies, after being so ill this summer I thought I would die, she wanted to come up to ‘help’ me. Again, like a fool I believed she had changed and finally wanted to make amends. Although in retrospect, I’m not sure she wanted anything more than a free vacation. Less than a week after she arrived, refusing to spend any time with me, she craftily orchestrated an argument, so she could leave and go to my youngest daughter. She, along with my mother as her trusty sidekick, did their best to convince her that it was all my fault. This has now driven a wedge between my daughter and I that may take a very long time to heal.
It’ll be interesting to see the kind of karma my sister ends up having to pay back. What goes around always comes around.
And sometimes payback’s a bitch too.
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Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Refreshing the Soul ...
"The innocent and the beautiful have no enemy but time.".... William Butler Yeats
“The margins are unclear,” the doctor’s voice said over the phone. “We’ll need to do a biopsy.” With those words, I remember hanging up the phone, feeling numb.
I’d just gone in for an ultrasound to check on a couple of cysts that had been present for quite a few years. I really wasn’t sure what to expect ... but not this. Facing Breast Cancer was NOT part of my life plan. So, dutifully, a couple of weeks later, I went in for a needle biopsy. It wasn’t as painless as they claimed. I felt more uncertain after the procedure. What were the odds? I was afraid, confused ... and sad. What if?
Panic hadn’t quite set in, but I did started promising to eat better, sleep better, ease up on the stress. I felt alone even though I knew those around me were concerned. It was then that I realized I was about to start down a path where no one could really follow.
The biopsy was performed just before a long weekend, and the results were going to take some time. So we made plans to go to our in-laws ‘camp’ ... a log cottage, two and a half hours down a logging road, set just back from an idyllic, serene lake. I needed to think and this was perfect. I remember taking out one of the canoes and rowing out to the middle of the lake, with no one else around, and screaming. What I felt was primal and raw.
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