About Me
Subscribe To Magical Places
Posts
All Comments
My Blog List
.jpg)
RSS Directory
Popular Posts
-
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose. .... Tom Krause I love feeling like this .... -
"When the world says, "Give up," hope whispers, "Try it one more time." .... Anonymous Fall is fast approaching ... -
"As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma." .... Sri Guru Granth Sahib My sister is a bitch. There... -
"We don't have an eternity to realize our dreams, only the time we are here." .... Susan Taylor Once upon a time, a million y... -
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." .... William Blake I've been in deep conversations with mysel... -
"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all ... -
No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. .... Charles Dickens I have not posted for quite some time. I'v... -
There are times when just sitting quietly, listening to the sound of the waves gently caressing the shore is as close to serenity as you can... -
"If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is 'thank you', that would suffice." .... Meister Eckhart Today is ... -
"There is a harmony In autumn, and a lustre in its sky, Which through the summer is not heard or seen, As if it could not be, as if...
Technorati Fave
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Peeling Back the Layers ...
6:44 PM | 
Posted by
~Visions~ |
.... Mahatma Gandhi
Today's been difficult, emotionally. I'm good at intellectualizing situations, but to process them on the emotional level can sometimes reduce me to tears. Like the photo I've posted today, there are many subtle layers to my being: many masks I choose to don. And what this blog is forcing me to do is to remove them, making me feel a vulnerability I'm not sure I'm ready to face.
More pictures at Ruby Tuesday ....
Labels:
Monday, September 27, 2010
I Lift my Eyes ...
.... Author Unknown
Time seems to go by so quickly; sometimes I turn around and everything has changed. Yesterday's toddlers now tower over me and I've yet to understand how that happened.
All I've ever been ... all I've ever known ... is being a mom. Sure I've had my work: careers even. But as an artist, I know my greatest masterpieces are my kids. That's what has made this disease so difficult to bear. Would I be there for them when they needed me? Would I get to see them grow up?
Yes, cancer CAN be lived with ... even beaten. I've managed to stay ahead of it for nine years, but it's not been without a price. I can't tell you how many notes to my kids I've jotted down during times when fear overtook. Little snippets that would help them remember me and what I wanted for them, should I not get through a particularly rough patch.
I remember sitting down, notebook in hand, just before the very first chemo session. I furiously scratched out a will and gave it to my then partner, in case something went wrong. He likely thought I was crazy, but it made me feel better knowing that who got what family heirlooms was decided. I'd already written each of my three kids a note days before and told him where they were so he could pass them on. I still have them somewhere ... in a safe place ... along with the dozens of other ones I've written over the years.
But as with anything ... there is a purpose. Nothing is by accident. I don't take time for granted anymore. At least I try not to.I've learned to appreciate each day that dawns, each birthday I make it to ... every holiday I get to cook and clean for ... all the while still grumbling and complaining about the ache here, or the scars there.
I can't turn back time. I can't make my three, wonderful kids small again. But I can appreciate the sunlight on my face as I watch them become all that they can be. As long as I'm still breathing ... it's a good day!
See more beautiful pictures at Today's Flowers and
Monday, September 20, 2010
Finding Gratitude ...
.... Oprah Winfrey
What a rainy weekend!
This past Saturday, along with a group of fellow photogs, I attended a photography workshop in a beautiful, local regional park. When I first arrived, I was excited. I saw the potential to add countless shots to my portfolio. But an hour in, the dark clouds that had been taunting us since our arrival, decided to release buckets of rain. Even despite the dense foliage of the trees, we were scrambling to keep our gear dry. Many of us didn't last more than another hour.
As I drove home, I looked at the beauty all around and felt such a sense of peace. I was grateful that I was living in a place that never ceased to inspire me. I wanted to stop feeling sorry for myself. It didn't serve any purpose, but rather just made me feel powerless. How could I be anything but fine when there was magic everywhere.
See more beautiful pictures at Today's Flowers and
Sunday, September 19, 2010
On the Road to Camelot ...
“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”It was nine years ago, that I received the diagnosis that would forever change my world. Nine years since I walked gingerly to the edge.
I knew I had no choice but to step off into the unknown and join a club about which I knew very little. I can't tell you that I learned to fly, not then ... as many times I felt smothered.
I would wake up in the wee hours of the morning, unable to breathe, the fear so palpable I didn't think I could face another minute alone. It was then, that the poem "Footprints" would come to mind. I know that my prayers were answered when I found myself being carried more times than I can remember.
This was a time where, if I'd had doubts about a Divine Source, those doubts were laid to rest. Although I am deeply spiritual, I'm the least religious person there is. Brought up Catholic, I've spent most of my life, singing both in choirs and solo. I make no bones about saying I love churches for the acoustics. But I'd sing anywhere, if they'd have me.
I remember the support I received from my choir mates. Those nights when the doorbell would ring and someone was bringing me food. The words of encouragement when my hip-length, red hair fell out and I had to use a wig. Of all the things I had to endure, I think this was one of the worst. I was losing my identity.
But I digress. I didn't go bald right away. However, the fear of dying, and leaving my children without a mother, haunted me from the time I heard the words, "I'm sorry. The results were positive."
Friday, September 17, 2010
Looking North ... The Search for Faith ...
....
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Refreshing the Soul ...
"The innocent and the beautiful have no enemy but time.".... William Butler Yeats
“The margins are unclear,” the doctor’s voice said over the phone. “We’ll need to do a biopsy.” With those words, I remember hanging up the phone, feeling numb.
I’d just gone in for an ultrasound to check on a couple of cysts that had been present for quite a few years. I really wasn’t sure what to expect ... but not this. Facing Breast Cancer was NOT part of my life plan. So, dutifully, a couple of weeks later, I went in for a needle biopsy. It wasn’t as painless as they claimed. I felt more uncertain after the procedure. What were the odds? I was afraid, confused ... and sad. What if?
Panic hadn’t quite set in, but I did started promising to eat better, sleep better, ease up on the stress. I felt alone even though I knew those around me were concerned. It was then that I realized I was about to start down a path where no one could really follow.
The biopsy was performed just before a long weekend, and the results were going to take some time. So we made plans to go to our in-laws ‘camp’ ... a log cottage, two and a half hours down a logging road, set just back from an idyllic, serene lake. I needed to think and this was perfect. I remember taking out one of the canoes and rowing out to the middle of the lake, with no one else around, and screaming. What I felt was primal and raw.
Monday, September 13, 2010
New Week ... Fresh Start ...
.... Eleanor Roosevelt
It's Monday. It's raining. It's quiet. There's a dreariness to the air, but I'm feeling an optimism I haven't felt in a long time. I search my soul for the joy I know is still lurking.
Whether this exercise is futile, or cathartic ... only time will tell. But I have been absolutely blown away by the messages of support I have been getting.
This is not about soliciting sympathy, but about fostering understanding. And I invite anyone to share ... their smiles, their warmth, their pain. Perhaps together we can start being little pebbles of good fortune.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Where to go from here ...
.... Erich Fromm
I've been mulling over where to go from here. In the last few weeks I've been doing a lot of introspection. I've never been one to be public with my personal life, so this is leaving me feeling rather vulnerable. How much do I say ... what do I hold back. Even when I was first diagnosed, only a very few people knew what I was going through. I chose to keep things private as I didn't need anyone's pity.
Interestingly enough, what amazed me the most, was who chose to walk away in my time of crisis. I'll get into that more later, as I still feel fragile when I think of it. I always thought family was there to support each other ... I was always there when needed. But when the time came when I couldn't stand on my own, I found the goodness of strangers came to my rescue, while someone I'd trusted let me fall.
For more great scenic shots please visit Scenic Sunday!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Stand Up ... Believe ... Hope!!
.... Charles Dickens
I have not posted for quite some time. I've been busy trying to get well again. I have cancer. I have been living with this disease for over nine years now. Most of the time, I am okay, but the beast is always lurking. After watching Stand Up For Cancer, I thought I would begin sharing my journey.
Through all the trials and tribulations, I have had some key people by my side. However, like a very good friend and mentor once told me, it's amazing to watch who will support you and who will simply walk away. People you thought would never let you down are the very ones that deal the worst blow. Yet there have been wonderful people who have come into my life that have made all the difference. To them my gratitude is endless.
I thought I'd start by posting a piece I designed when I first was diagnosed. I donated one of these prints to the chemo room where I've spent many long hours. My hope is that it inspires others to believe and hope!
I am a mother, a friend, a writer, an artist ... a survivor. Please, take a moment to help someone find the hope they need to beat this disease. Together, we can ALL Stand Up To Cancer!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
