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Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose. .... Tom Krause I love feeling like this .... -
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Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Look at Me Glow ...
3:02 PM | 
Posted by
~Visions~ |
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
.... Tom Krause
I love feeling like this ... fatigued, nauseous, and non-productive.
It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve wanted to post. Honestly ... I have.
However it’s been hectic and just a little stressful. I took part in this amazing experience called NaNoWriMo. I’d tried last year, but fell short of the goal. This year, I decided to put my heart into it and succeeded. Yay me! I’ve got a manuscript ready for polish that I hope to start shopping around come the new year. One hurdle overcome.
I also just started a course of radiation in the hopes of shrinking one of the tumours at the base of my spine and a couple more small ones in my right hip. That had me in a bit of a funk. But then doctors do that to me.
I just came back after getting the 2nd dose ... 10 doses over 10 days ... and strangely, I’m finding the pain and stiffness already diminishing. Hurray! It’ll be wonderful to be able to walk again like a real person, instead of just limping along. That’s the hope.
I’ve been told I probably shouldn’t do anything like ride a bike or cross-country ski for fear of fracturing the hip, and I’ll be good.... for now .... But I’m determined to rebuild the bone to be better and stronger. Shades of bionic ... lol
Anyways ... loving the steroid pills I have to take for the nausea ... NOT! It didn’t help yesterday. Was violently ill. One of my favourite pastimes is hanging my head over the porcelain throne. Let’s hope today goes a little better. I don’t have time to be sick. I’m a volunteer photographer for the help-portrait event this Saturday and that’s so important to me. Not to mention, working on my novel, checking in with clients ... well you get the point.
In the shower today ... where I do a lot of my serious thinking, I realized how much I miss my middle daughter. But in reality, I don’t know that I’ll be making the effort anytime soon to talk to her. This is not the first time she’s abandoned me in a time of crisis.
I’ve been hitting my head against the wall, trying to figure out where I failed as a mother. Was it because I got sick? I never thought it was in the plans. I never thought I’d get cancer. I never thought I’d have to stare my own mortality in the face on a daily basis. I try not to cry, because well ... it really doesn’t fix things. However it is a release and I’ll take that as I can.
I also have to remember she’s still a baby ... only 22. And at 22 life hasn’t handed her enough heartaches to really understand the word compassion ... I did my best to shield her from as much of life’s nastiness as I could. Maybe that was the problem. I never gave her the opportunity to be accountable for her actions.
What is saddest of all, is that though I’ve longed for grandbabies, I don’t know that I could trust myself to get involved should she be lucky enough to have kids ... yes ... I think that far ahead. I’m a writer, don’t ya know ... we plot and plan and theorize and focus ... and we forever dream. But sometimes these dreams turn to nightmares where I love my grandbabies with total abandon only to have her pull them away from me. Don’t think I can go through that kind of loss again. It hurts enough when she pulled herself away.
Ahh to see the world in black and white again. Except that as you get older ... you begin to see the gray ... oh so much gray. Perhaps that’s the lesson she’ll have to learn.
As for me, I take it one day at a time. One hour, if things get really harried. But always I have hope ... and always I believe that everything is for a reason.
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5 comments:
You are a symbol of courage. You have reminded me that courage means "I will try again tomorrow". These are now permanent words on my desktop wallpaper. I read and re-read them! Those words ARE you.
Thank you bff.
Sorry to hear you've had such a rough time. Hope the treatments help.
I didn't think to do this before now. The author of this blog was my life-partner, my wife. Sadly, she passed away this year - July 28, 2011.
I hope her work in this blog stands as a testiment to her talent and passions.
She is missed.
Dear Diarnothe,
You probably never come here anymore. It is many years after Fyrewolf wrote in this blog...
Fyrewolf, as she was known to us, was a beautiful soul. she was a sweet person. very alive and very talented. I am so glad that I stumbled upon this wonderful blog, a testament to the beautiful person she was. It contains her many memories and also contains her feelings and thoughts. I am a single mother and two of her blogs, in particular, will help me move forward after letting my only son go forth and fulfil his purpose in this world. I hope that you are well in your life and that you have found happiness again.
Thank you for keeping this blog as a memory to a lovely and a very special woman.
Sending you warm thoughts and well wishes from Australia
Dana