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Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose. .... Tom Krause I love feeling like this .... -
"When the world says, "Give up," hope whispers, "Try it one more time." .... Anonymous Fall is fast approaching ... -
"As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma." .... Sri Guru Granth Sahib My sister is a bitch. There... -
"We don't have an eternity to realize our dreams, only the time we are here." .... Susan Taylor Once upon a time, a million y... -
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." .... William Blake I've been in deep conversations with mysel... -
"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all ... -
No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. .... Charles Dickens I have not posted for quite some time. I'v... -
There are times when just sitting quietly, listening to the sound of the waves gently caressing the shore is as close to serenity as you can... -
"If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is 'thank you', that would suffice." .... Meister Eckhart Today is ... -
"There is a harmony In autumn, and a lustre in its sky, Which through the summer is not heard or seen, As if it could not be, as if...
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Sunday, October 24, 2010
Aiming for the Stars ...
4:00 PM | 
Posted by
~Visions~ |
"We don't have an eternity to realize our dreams, only the time we are here."
.... Susan Taylor
I remember when, as a little girl she would cry, telling me she never wanted to leave home. Even when I would tell her that one day she’d grow up and have her own life, she would stubbornly tell me that she was always going to stay with me.
Although I taught her to be strong, I never thought that she’d be the one to walk away. And that has delivered the hardest blow.
I have three wonderful children -- three brilliant masterpieces for whom I cannot claim responsibility. But children are never to be seen as extensions of ourselves. That can lead to such sorrow. Rather, as the great Kahlil Gibran said when asked:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archers sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also loves the bow that is stable.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
Remembering Spirit ...
.... Albert Einstein
October 20th, people everywhere were asked to wear purple in honour of six gay boys who tragically committed suicide. Six young lives that were cut short as a result of bullying. Purple was chosen as it represents spirit on the LGBT flag. And it is this spirit we need to sustain.
How very sad to think that the pressure became so intense, for these young boys, that they saw no other way out than to take their own lives. What a dark place they must have gotten to, that this was their only form of escape.
I am writing this because as wonderful as the symbolism of wearing purple on this one day is, we need to remember that bullying needs to be quelled the rest of the year. We all need to find ways, no matter how small, to show we can make a difference.
Don’t laugh the next time you hear a ‘gay’ joke. Don’t just stand by if you hear someone being ridiculed because they don’t ‘fit’ in. Be a voice for those that can’t speak, for those so downtrodden and sad that they no longer see the light.
People need to understand the devastating and long-lasting effects this kind of bullying causes. Some people are strong enough to weather the insults and rise above them. Others buckle under the weight of depression.
As the sister of a gay man. I know the suffering he’s endured at the hands of those wishing to make him feel inferior. I know how it has affected his spirit, his joy and his outlook on life. It’s a weight he’s never been able to remove. He’s faced unending discrimination and has been badly beaten for no reason, other than the fact that he was gay. He`s a professional, with a brilliant mind. Isn`t that what counts? Why can’t people see the wonderful human being he is.
Let’s take the time, not just on October 20th, but each and every day, to remember to give a hand to those who’s spirit needs strength ... not use hurtful words or violence. Let’s stop discriminating against those we perceive as different. What we need is tolerance. Tolerance to let others live their lives in peace.
I have wonderful friends and family who are gay and lesbian, and I personally think the world would be much more sombre without their voices and exuberance. This world is made up of so many different individuals ... each and everyone of us is unique. We should stand united, not divided, to ensure that no one else’s family goes through the suffering and pain of losing a loved one so senselessly.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Fairy Tales ....
.... Rachel Naomi Remen
The following is the comment left by 'threadpuller':
actually all the comments here, besides your own are tagged 'anon'. skepticism is important, esp. when one sounds critical~like your accusations! i don't know your situations, except as you portray them, so help me comprehend: you were a passive victim? a faultless saint, seeking blog martyrdom-?by the way, what is your motive? seeking validation, or "poor you" by sycophants? back pedal as much as want, but i smell a thinly veiled agenda, as well as hatred...unless i am guilty of "psychological projection"(ever heard of it?)if i strike too close to home,will you poison pen a blog about me!?in your salacious attempt at expose, maybe you have revealed too much-about yourself! be courageous, explain the "third side"=take responsibilty for a fault entirely your own! MetaPhysician, Heal thy Self!! (you are a self proclaimed reiki master, no?) is anyone else wondering about the rancour of her one-sided character-assasination? is the tone not inconsistent with manufactured persona of sage?of course you're only human-not unlke the rest ofus, incl. your family...walk in light, feet in shadow (never took a step on the left-handed path?)wishing you strength!it would be unfair to pick on someone sick, after all. how bout pics of narcissus or posey"s(sic)
Because I believe in presenting all sides and preserving what is left of the truth, I will attempt to deal with some of the concerns voiced by a very angry ‘commenter’. I know who it is, and I know why they’re doing it. But that’s not really the point, is it?
So ... threadpuller do you really want to ‘comprehend’ or do you simply want to find a new avenue of attack?
“Would be unfair to pick on someone sick, after all” is nothing but a nasty attempt to point out that I have a DISease – one that almost killed me this summer. That being so, WHY, pray tell, would the decent and kind soul you claim my sister to be, act in such a disgusting manner?
Please ... I urge you to tell me her side? Or the stories you’ve been told ... I can assure you they are lies. It’s all she does. I don’t think she would know the truth if it dropped at her feet. It’s part of HER illness.
You didn’t strike too close to home, and my agenda is NOT ‘thinly veiled.’ I’m rather vocal about it. However I don’t like leaving things unfinished. I promise this isn’t going to be a poison blog about you ... I really couldn’t care less about who you are. But you’ve made some false accusations, and I’ll try to clear them up. After all ... it is MY good name you besmirch while you hide behind the curtains.
My reason for this blog was to highlight that it wasn’t a bad diet that contributed to my illness, but the endless stress I had to endure on a constant basis. My entire life, I was told I was responsible for being the ‘big sister’ and rescuing my siblings. I can’t tell you the countless times I had to run to my sister’s, at my mother’s urgings, because she was too drunk to care for her kids. Or she was facing yet another drama. Every time it was my life that had to be put on hold. It was my kids who suffered. But I can’t remember a time when she was ever there for me. And I certainly had my own saga to endure. Over time, one gets drained. After all, I’m no saint ... or a martyr ;-)
“Self-proclaimed Reiki master?” Ummmmm, you’re not familiar with Reiki, I understand. One becomes a master through work, learning and attunement from one’s teacher. So, no, I’m not self-proclaimed. I’ve earned the rank. And as such, I am using Reiki to help heal my wounds, both past, present and future. Hence, this blog. Nothing is by coincidence.
What is it I want? Pity? No. Revenge? No. Validation? Yes, definitely!! Perhaps a recognition that all the horrible things that were done, DID happen. And an apology. When someone has been wronged ... they usually ask for an apology. I want ... I DESERVE no less. But I dream in colour.
What was my crime in all this? Well, I’m not sure. I’ve wrestled with that. Was it because I was smart? Was it because my hair was red? Was it because I was older? Was it because I was my dad’s favourite? I know I wasn’t my mother’s. I was the bane of her existence.
Or perhaps it was that I was insulting ... yes, I can have a nasty tongue. But in my defence, I don’t come out firing until I’ve been hurt. The intensity of my anger is directly proportional to the amount of hurt I’m feeling. I did not try to turn her children against her? I did not try to lure her husband to bed, or make passes at her boyfriends. I did not take her to court on nothing more than trumped up lies. I did not abandon her out of jealousy and ignore her sons. I did not leave her when she was sick. But these and more she’s done to me.
So I ask again ... what was my crime? Why is it okay for me to be hurt and maligned with no accountability for malicious actions? I’ve tried turning the other cheek so many times there isn’t an inch to spare. Each and every time my help was needed, I was always there. I’ve been doggedly loyal. I just can’t fake it anymore and pretend its okay. THIS is why I’m writing this. Should I have turned my story into a movie-of-the-week? Or write a tell-all book? Would that have been better?
BTW, I love the vocabulary you use ... was it for my benefit or yours? The problem is that when you use BIG words like that, one assumes a certain degree of intellect which also includes proper grammar, spelling, and syntax. But shame on me for assuming. Perhaps you were so busy looking words up in the dictionary you forgot to proofread. ;-)
See more beautiful flowers at Today's Flowers
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Forgiveness?! ...
I've been in deep conversations with myself for a while now. I know I need to forgive the past, so that I can create a better future. But there are so many layers. So much that has been done that was never acknowledged. However, in order to let go, I have to forgive the unforgiveable.
Writing about this now, is my way of finding closure. My hope is that each time I tackle past hurts, I can turn the page and forgive the person that caused me unnecessary pain.
But I'm struggling. It's very difficult. I can forgive so many things. It's really not in my nature to hold a grudge. But it's hard to forgive those you thought had your back, only to find they were busy plunging daggers into it.
I came across a lovely meditation yesterday on Reiki and forgiveness. It was a sign, I thought. I'm a Reiki master and am always teaching that in Reiki there are no coincidences. I've been battling with myself over this forgiveness theme for a while. So when I saw this meditation, I tried to focus on it. I went to sleep last night trying to pry the cold, icy grasp of anger from my gut, and replace it with an inner calm. It didn't quite work.
I'm still striving to sort out so many things, but I'm determined to find a solution. I've worked hard on forgiving most of those who have hurt me in my life. I had lessons to learn. I get that. But some things, I just can't get past. Not yet, and I'm working so hard to do just that.
I want to scream at my sister who has tried for years to alienate my kids by telling them lies. All the while, she was the unfit one who walked out on her little baby boys to pursue men and drugs. Why would she try to hurt me with untruths about things that never happened? Was it to justify her own bad behaviour? If it had stopped, perhaps I could have just let it go. But she continues to this day taking great delight in her fabrications. How does one forgive that? How do you overcome hurt after hurt after hurt?
I have prayed about this ... asking for guidance. And then, when I read that article yesterday, I realized it gave me the opportunity to forgive the person, without condoning the act. So ... here goes.
I forgive you, Linda. I know you have an illness and I should be the better person. So I forgive the soul that you are. But I don't think I can ever forget the terrible things you've done to me. Maybe someday, but not today.
Today's Flowers and
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Searching for Truth ...
.... Sri Guru Granth Sahib
My sister is a bitch.
There. I’ve said it. It feels great to finally find that release in being honest. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bow my head in shame thinking it’s me that is at fault.
To carry on the theme of Thanksgiving, I’m grateful that I can finally call my sister out for the obnoxious person that she is. She is a despicable human being who has stooped to levels I didn’t know existed to make my life a living hell. I’ve wrestled with writing this post for a long time. How much should I say? What should I hold back? However, if this is about my healing, then I need to be truthful in all aspects.
Time and again I’ve tried to voice how I felt, but between my sister and my mother (two peas in the same pod) I was constantly told how I was deluded. I must have imagined it all. However, after years of therapy, I was led to the conclusion that they both suffer from altered reality. My sister is a cross addict, a recovering anorexic and a nymphomaniac ... a rather bad combination. My mother ... well she has her own issues, to be discussed later.
Thankfully, over the years, I’ve had witnesses to my ‘imaginary’ trials. Real, live people without whom I’d have truly gone insane.
Had my sister even apologized for the heinous things she’s done, perhaps I could have forgiven her. But not once, has she ever acknowledged any of her transgressions. I won’t get into those now, but bit by bit, I’ll deal with them here. This way, perhaps, I can finally let go the past and the pain that haunts me.
For years, I tried to help her find what she needed. I was there to comfort her over her numerous breakups. I helped her get into rehab when she’d hit her bottom. I refused to enable her habits when everyone else turned a blind eye. But rather than be grateful, she tried her best to destroy every happiness I had.
She’s run the gamut from making passes at my boyfriends and husbands, to taking me to court on criminal charges based on nothing but lies, to trying to convince my kids that I abused them. She even abandoned me when I was diagnosed with cancer, never even enquiring how the surgeries had gone. Why? I have no idea. Except for the fact that she’s mentally unstable.
Why am I telling you all this? Because after years of her abuse and lies, after being so ill this summer I thought I would die, she wanted to come up to ‘help’ me. Again, like a fool I believed she had changed and finally wanted to make amends. Although in retrospect, I’m not sure she wanted anything more than a free vacation. Less than a week after she arrived, refusing to spend any time with me, she craftily orchestrated an argument, so she could leave and go to my youngest daughter. She, along with my mother as her trusty sidekick, did their best to convince her that it was all my fault. This has now driven a wedge between my daughter and I that may take a very long time to heal.
It’ll be interesting to see the kind of karma my sister ends up having to pay back. What goes around always comes around.
And sometimes payback’s a bitch too.
There. I’ve said it. It feels great to finally find that release in being honest. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bow my head in shame thinking it’s me that is at fault.
To carry on the theme of Thanksgiving, I’m grateful that I can finally call my sister out for the obnoxious person that she is. She is a despicable human being who has stooped to levels I didn’t know existed to make my life a living hell. I’ve wrestled with writing this post for a long time. How much should I say? What should I hold back? However, if this is about my healing, then I need to be truthful in all aspects.
Time and again I’ve tried to voice how I felt, but between my sister and my mother (two peas in the same pod) I was constantly told how I was deluded. I must have imagined it all. However, after years of therapy, I was led to the conclusion that they both suffer from altered reality. My sister is a cross addict, a recovering anorexic and a nymphomaniac ... a rather bad combination. My mother ... well she has her own issues, to be discussed later.
Thankfully, over the years, I’ve had witnesses to my ‘imaginary’ trials. Real, live people without whom I’d have truly gone insane.
Had my sister even apologized for the heinous things she’s done, perhaps I could have forgiven her. But not once, has she ever acknowledged any of her transgressions. I won’t get into those now, but bit by bit, I’ll deal with them here. This way, perhaps, I can finally let go the past and the pain that haunts me.
For years, I tried to help her find what she needed. I was there to comfort her over her numerous breakups. I helped her get into rehab when she’d hit her bottom. I refused to enable her habits when everyone else turned a blind eye. But rather than be grateful, she tried her best to destroy every happiness I had.
She’s run the gamut from making passes at my boyfriends and husbands, to taking me to court on criminal charges based on nothing but lies, to trying to convince my kids that I abused them. She even abandoned me when I was diagnosed with cancer, never even enquiring how the surgeries had gone. Why? I have no idea. Except for the fact that she’s mentally unstable.
Why am I telling you all this? Because after years of her abuse and lies, after being so ill this summer I thought I would die, she wanted to come up to ‘help’ me. Again, like a fool I believed she had changed and finally wanted to make amends. Although in retrospect, I’m not sure she wanted anything more than a free vacation. Less than a week after she arrived, refusing to spend any time with me, she craftily orchestrated an argument, so she could leave and go to my youngest daughter. She, along with my mother as her trusty sidekick, did their best to convince her that it was all my fault. This has now driven a wedge between my daughter and I that may take a very long time to heal.
It’ll be interesting to see the kind of karma my sister ends up having to pay back. What goes around always comes around.
And sometimes payback’s a bitch too.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Time to Give Thanks ...
.... Meister Eckhart
Today is Thanksgiving. And I’m searching through misty tears to find what I am grateful for. I have to claw past the heartache to find it. So what am I grateful for?
I’m grateful I’m not on the streets. I’m grateful for the love and loyalty of my eldest daughter. I’m grateful for my friends. I’m grateful that I am getting better ... I hope. And I’m grateful for finally having had the courage to shut the door on those that have damaged me beyond repair.
Since this is a time for looking at the positive things in our life, I will stop here. Tomorrow, I will pick the reins back up.
See more beautiful pictures at Today's Flowers and
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Searching for the Garden ...
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
Life Is a Gift
.... Bob Hope
As I sat thinking of what I'd write today, I got an email from a good friend. It made me realize all the things I have to be grateful for, and that today was not a day to complain. Here is the email ...
THINK
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.
Life Is a Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat..
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven..
Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around..
I PRAY THIS MOVES AROUND
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Jumbled Mess ...
.... Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Today was another of those days where you have to wonder what makes people tick. Why the need for hurtful lies and sneaking around at the expense of someone else.
Each day I get up, wondering, hoping I'll make it another three years to see my youngest son graduate high school. I go through these treatments and face the fears, all the while looking for the light that keeps me moving forward. But just when I think I've reached a time of respite,another boomerang comes and clips me.
I was sick this summer ... very sick. My birthday I spent in bed, unable to lift my head off the pillow. I didn't really notice, though as the next couple of months were not much better. At times, I felt like giving up, as I found myself with no support. My son's dad, in his bid to eak out more money from the system, took my son to live with him, under the guise that it would be best not to see me so ill. I felt I'd lost my baby ... for two months he rarely called and I never saw him. I was just too sick to focus, but a hug, from time to time, would have been needed.
Today, was a bit of a scary day. I get that way whenever I'm about to 'test' out a new drug. The good thing is that I should be able to get my hair back, but it's not without it's potential reactions.
However, just before going to the hospital, I received some news that devastated me financially and emotionally ... I'm now being told I'm no longer MY child's primary caregiver. What the $%#^? I thought his father was my friend, heck I'd supported him many times. But he decided to go behind my back and now I just have to take up the fight. There's more I could say. But right now I'm still too angry and I could say something I may regret. My hope is that, one day, my son sees his father for the man he truly is ... but that day is not TOday ....
I was sick this summer ... very sick. My birthday I spent in bed, unable to lift my head off the pillow. I didn't really notice, though as the next couple of months were not much better. At times, I felt like giving up, as I found myself with no support. My son's dad, in his bid to eak out more money from the system, took my son to live with him, under the guise that it would be best not to see me so ill. I felt I'd lost my baby ... for two months he rarely called and I never saw him. I was just too sick to focus, but a hug, from time to time, would have been needed.
Today, was a bit of a scary day. I get that way whenever I'm about to 'test' out a new drug. The good thing is that I should be able to get my hair back, but it's not without it's potential reactions.
However, just before going to the hospital, I received some news that devastated me financially and emotionally ... I'm now being told I'm no longer MY child's primary caregiver. What the $%#^? I thought his father was my friend, heck I'd supported him many times. But he decided to go behind my back and now I just have to take up the fight. There's more I could say. But right now I'm still too angry and I could say something I may regret. My hope is that, one day, my son sees his father for the man he truly is ... but that day is not TOday ....
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